Saturday, February 20, 2010

Coaching: How to find a Good Husband

I was thinking last night about marriage and how people expect SO MUCH from their spouse in marriage. It's like in our culture we're taught that our spouse is supposed to fulfill us, to COMPLETE us they are literally the missing part of ourselves.

I think this is a toxic message and it sets up marriages for more of a struggle than they should be. The person we're with isn't meant to be another part of OURSELVES, they are meant to fully be themselves, they are meant to only be who they are. And marriage isn't some experience meant to make us wildly happy all the time, it's meant to be two people, working towards the same goals in life. It is my own job to find my own happiness in the world, just like it is my partner's own job to find and create his own happiness in the world. Imagine what a burden it would be to place all of your potential for happiness into the hands of someone else? I would hate that if someone said, "okay now you have to make me happy for the rest of our lives. go." like what? fend for yourself please, i'm trying to sort out my own damn issues over here.

I know that might sound cynical or detached or mean even but really it's not, it's logical and important to realize. Marriage isn't about completing all of the missing holes in your heart...that's what life coaching and therapy is for. Marriage is about going through the journey of life with someone, having each other's backs, being a family, and walking together towards mutual goals.

There are so many relationships that are doomed because people are trying to make a Husband out of just a Regular Guy who doesn't share the same goals as them.

Think about it, a Husband has very different qualities than a Boyfriend or a Fling or a Date or anything else. A Husband is someone who is on the same level as you, who is more LIKE you than not (in terms of the big picture and mutual goals, not in terms of the small stuff at all). A Husband is someone who shares your values, who wants the same basic things you do (family, education, career goals, whatever it may be overall) and it is someone who supports you, who is able to help you through life, who you are able to figure things out with and work together with.

Sure Blane with the tattoos might have a six pack and long hair and he might be exactly the kind of guy you never thought would be interested in you and so once you've got him you just wanna do any and everything to keep him but you'd be fooling yourself if you think that Blane will ever become Husband material. Especially if you think that you can get him there yourself.

And yet how many people actually MARRY these people who really should have just been Flings or Dates or Rebellious Phases? So many. SO MANY.

And there are so many women out there who are glamorous professionals who are having the hardest time meeting The Right Guy to settle down with and so they remain single into their mid thirties and blow their shot at the family they're scared to admit that they want...and why? because they're unwilling to realize that there is no such thing as The Perfect Person. That it is totally OKAY to marry The Good Guy. The Friend, The Confident. There are so many great Potential Husbands out there that just get overlooked because of this misconception that our spouse is supposed to be this Sex God/Wild/Lady's Man and yet also want to wipe little Bobby's nose and invest in a sensible retirement plan.

No wonder everyone is having such a hard time.

My advice is to know who your flings are, go have flings with them, get it out of your system and then turn around and look at the guy in your office, or the friend you've had since childhood or that guy who always stutters around you and you know that he is just secretly in love with you but he has glasses and tucks his shirts into his jeans so you've written him off. Just look at these people and ask yourself, "Would he be a good HUSBAND" because that is a very different role to play than Boyfriend and honestly, only some guys are cut out for it and can do it well.

I bet that a lot of people would be surprised to find that yes, surrounding them are many, many great Potential Husbands that are just being overlooked. The challenge is to get over your own insecurities and issues, get past the need to have arm candy or to finally feel validated by a "Jock" wanting to date you and deal with all of your OWN issues before you try to find someone to spend your life with. Because it's only fair to be a good Wife to all of those good Husbands out there.


  1. This is such a good post. One of the most important lessons I learned from my grandmother, who buried two husbands, is that you are responsible for your own happiness. The older I get, the more I realize how incredibly true that is.

  2. It's so true I totally agree with you. I fell in love with my best friend and married him. When all the other guys I dated or whatever b/c of what I thought he was or I liked what they were but tried to change it in my mind what they were.

    I'm SO blessed to have my husband and I love David more than anything. We have so much as a couple but still remain individuals just the same. So many people forget that and I think that's sad.

  3. I have to agree with everything you have said in this entry. I even cried. I guess you can somewhat blame the pregnancy hormones for that too, but I believe in everything you have written on here.

    I am so lucky and blessed to have a husband like Steve. He let's me be me everyday and doesn't need that let me forget to do that. I love him because of that. I try and do the same as well. If we aren't ourselves, then who did we marry?