Thursday, February 11, 2010

Life: wouldn't it suck if....

Wouldn't it suck if the guy standing at the Gates of Heaven was like Simon Cowell?

What if he was all like, "Absolutely not, you were the worst person i've ever seen. You have no business being here whatsoever. I'm just being honest."

and then I'd have to be all like, "Oh but please, please! Give me one more chance! Can I try something else? Wait, quick, I see a building on fire down there and I know that puppies live in it, let me go save some!"

But you know he would roll his eyes and shake his head and say, "No, those puppies would be better off if you don't touch them so they don't have to deal with YOU coming into contact with them. Trust me. They'd rather perish in that fire than have your hands on them."

So then I would wail and makeup would streak down my face and my false eyelashes would begin to come undone. I would fall to my knees and start shouting things like, "But I used organic toilet paper! They promised to save one tree for every roll I bought!" and, "Please, PLEASE! I didn't cheat on my math exam and I EASILY COULD HAVE!" and the security guys would have to start dragging me out while I kick and scream and say, "Just one more chance! I'll be better! I was just nervous!!!"

And for a moment after I was gone Simon would stand there in stunned silence before muttering to himself, "God I hate this job."

And then God will reply, "Well that's what you get for being such a prick your whole damn life."

And I would still be gone. No Golden Ticket for me.

Yup. That would suck if that happened.


  1. haha thanks! it really would suck though, right??

  2. This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time.

    I'm dying of laughter. lol. Love it!