Monday, August 29, 2011

hello, old friend

More than a year has gone by since I've come here to put down my thoughts on this virtual notebook tucked away in my little corner of the interwebs. I had actually almost forgotten about this blog.

I hate to say it but I've disappeared to another venue where I suppose i tried to do the whole Mommy Blogger (TM) thing that is so popular nowadays. Women are out there getting book deals and winning television shows by talking about their babies and their husbands and satirizing their own lives. More power to them, I think it's great...but somehow (surprisingly considering my affinity for myself), that kinda thing doesn't seem to be turning out to be for me. At least not right now.

I'm still hopelessly contemplative but in this past year I haven't really made the time that I should for my Thinking Blog (as I've affectionately labeled this space) and so I've just sortof left it marinating here and have hoped to find the time to come back to it whenever that might be.

I guess for now, that time is here. At least tonight.

Life has changed for me in a myriad of ways. When I last wrote here, even though I didn't discuss it, I was living with my parents and my husband and I was nearing the end of my pregnancy. I am a mommy now, I live in a new (to us) house with my family and our cat and birds and life is just...well, it's magical and chaotic and fulfilling and exhausting and a big blurry whirlwind all at once. And I think those are the markings of a pretty good life if i do say so myself. Which I do. Obviously.

I realized something about myself since having my son; I am right on track to where I want to be.

in this day and age (i feel like a grandmother saying that), it's not really avant-garde to admit this but here we are: I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother.

shocking i know.

but isn't this what feminism is about? (the answer is yes). Feminism is about allowing me to guiltlessly pursue any path that I desire without feeling as if my gender dictates that I "should" be doing something else.

and the path of my desires was this one: being married, having a baby and a family and THEN moving on to more "professional" endeavors.

I've always wanted to be a writer, i've never kept that a secret. But what i DID keep a secret, locked away in the innermost chambers of my heart was my desire to get married and start my family. No one knew about it because I was ashamed and embarrassed to admit that despite my five star education and my fancy future outlines that all i wanted was to Fall in Love and Get Married and Start a Family. It seemed like I wasn't allowed to want that but really, that was what it was for me.

My boyfriends of the past were privy to this knowledge and as soon as I would realize that they weren't Husband Material, I would cut them loose. And I kept up my wild child image for as long as I could. I think i was even trying to convince myself that I didn't need it - i didn't need this future that I secretly longed for. I think I was so scared I couldn't have my dream that I pretended that I didn't even want it.

But here I am sitting at a computer at 9:37 on a Monday night. My husband is near me, my child is dreaming upstairs and I am so lucky and I am SO grateful because I have indeed fulfilled one of my life's ambitions.

That doesn't mean that there aren't more to come because there are! There are more children in my future I hope and there are also more goals. Like i said, I still want to be a writer and I am still actively working on that (one novel down, more in the works) but in the meantime, I just wanted to throw back the curtain of it all and admit loud and clear: It is the 2000's and I am a highly educated woman who has chosen to be a wife and a mother and i couldn't be happier about that decision.

Because truly, at the end of the day, we all just have to follow our hearts. And my heart led me here and now and it is full and open and full of a mother's love.

and that is a beautiful thing worth blogging about.