I realized that in recent days, weeks, months that I have been lacking a certain something.
I mean, to read some of the entries i wrote a few posts down, it's pretty obvious that I've been feeling lost and lacking in something.
I didn't know what it was specifically, simply that i felt it was missing. I thought I couldn't make a difference in the world, I thought my purpose had abandoned me.
You see, fundamentally, i am an idealist at heart. I took the myers briggs tests several times in the past decade and every time my result is the same - ENFP - the champion idealist.
What does this mean? It means that at the core of who i am (even when times get tough and i think i might've lost my way), I believe.
Notice that there wasn't more to that sentence - there wasn't an "I believe in...." because that's not the point. The point for me is simply that when I get down to who I am, i am someone who believes.
I believe in the purpose of life, in the meaning inherent in things. I believe in the strength of people, the value of doing what's right. I believe in creating art that speaks from the soul, i believe in following your dreams.
I just believe.
I always have, I always will...even when i somehow feel like I've lost a part of me out there, even when believing is hard. Even when I think that there is nothing for me to believe in, I still believe that i must find my belief again.
And so I've set back out recently to discover what it is that I am lacking, what it is that I had lost. Because I was in that place again...the dark place where I was fumbling around trying to discover what I had misplaced and where it had been put.
I realized that the thing I had lost was not my belief, though I had feared that that was what it might have been. Instead i had lost my hope.
Belief comes easily to me. Belief, faith, trust....those are the cornerstones of who I am, they define and characterize me, they are me.
hope is the thing that keeps them on the right track. hope is what pulls them in the right direction...hope is what harnesses my belief and my faith and my trust and it really sets it on the correct course.
i had lost my ability to have hope, to think that it was going to work out....to see the potential in the world.
I'm back. My hope is back. and i realized that hope isn't something that just arrives on its own...hope is an active state of living. Hope is something that you have to go out and live, you have to be hopeful, you must seek it, chase it, follow it, find it, LIVE it. Hope is truly a state of being.
and I'm willing to be hope.
at least, that's what I'm going to work on now.