I was thinking last night about marriage and how people expect SO MUCH from their spouse in marriage. It's like in our culture we're taught that our spouse is supposed to fulfill us, to COMPLETE us even...like they are literally the missing part of ourselves.
I think this is a toxic message and it sets up marriages for more of a struggle than they should be. The person we're with isn't meant to be another part of OURSELVES, they are meant to fully be themselves, they are meant to only be who they are. And marriage isn't some experience meant to make us wildly happy all the time, it's meant to be two people, working towards the same goals in life. It is my own job to find my own happiness in the world, just like it is my partner's own job to find and create his own happiness in the world. Imagine what a burden it would be to place all of your potential for happiness into the hands of someone else? I would hate that if someone said, "okay now you have to make me happy for the rest of our lives. go." like what? fend for yourself please, i'm trying to sort out my own damn issues over here.
I know that might sound cynical or detached or mean even but really it's not, it's logical and important to realize. Marriage isn't about completing all of the missing holes in your heart...that's what life coaching and therapy is for. Marriage is about going through the journey of life with someone, having each other's backs, being a family, and walking together towards mutual goals.
There are so many relationships that are doomed because people are trying to make a Husband out of just a Regular Guy who doesn't share the same goals as them.
Think about it, a Husband has very different qualities than a Boyfriend or a Fling or a Date or anything else. A Husband is someone who is on the same level as you, who is more LIKE you than not (in terms of the big picture and mutual goals, not in terms of the small stuff at all). A Husband is someone who shares your values, who wants the same basic things you do (family, education, career goals, whatever it may be overall) and it is someone who supports you, who is able to help you through life, who you are able to figure things out with and work together with.
Sure Blane with the tattoos might have a six pack and long hair and he might be exactly the kind of guy you never thought would be interested in you and so once you've got him you just wanna do any and everything to keep him but you'd be fooling yourself if you think that Blane will ever become Husband material. Especially if you think that you can get him there yourself.
And yet how many people actually MARRY these people who really should have just been Flings or Dates or Rebellious Phases? So many. SO MANY.
And there are so many women out there who are glamorous professionals who are having the hardest time meeting The Right Guy to settle down with and so they remain single into their mid thirties and blow their shot at the family they're scared to admit that they want...and why? because they're unwilling to realize that there is no such thing as The Perfect Person. That it is totally OKAY to marry The Good Guy. The Friend, The Confident. There are so many great Potential Husbands out there that just get overlooked because of this misconception that our spouse is supposed to be this Sex God/Wild/Lady's Man and yet also want to wipe little Bobby's nose and invest in a sensible retirement plan.
No wonder everyone is having such a hard time.
My advice is to know who your flings are, go have flings with them, get it out of your system and then turn around and look at the guy in your office, or the friend you've had since childhood or that guy who always stutters around you and you know that he is just secretly in love with you but he has glasses and tucks his shirts into his jeans so you've written him off. Just look at these people and ask yourself, "Would he be a good HUSBAND" because that is a very different role to play than Boyfriend and honestly, only some guys are cut out for it and can do it well.
I bet that a lot of people would be surprised to find that yes, surrounding them are many, many great Potential Husbands that are just being overlooked. The challenge is to get over your own insecurities and issues, get past the need to have arm candy or to finally feel validated by a "Jock" wanting to date you and deal with all of your OWN issues before you try to find someone to spend your life with. Because it's only fair to be a good Wife to all of those good Husbands out there.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Coaching: why worrying wastes time
so i'm sitting here chewing my finger nails and looking at the clock and tapping my foot and generally having butterflies flutter around through my whole body. Why? Because I'm worried about my cat.
I know that might sound trite and silly and weird but it's true.
See the fact is i come from a long line of Crazy People. And i mean that in an endearing way. We are the kind of people who get emotionally attached to things and people and animals very easily. When I was a child I once didn't throw out a marshmallow peep for WEEKS because I didn't want to hurt it's feelings.
I told you, crazy.
So today I had to put my cat in to the vet to get spayed. And of course I am sitting here worrying. She's been there since 8:00AM and since my husband was the one who dropped her off I don't have the useful information that I would have if i had been the one to take her in myself (things like when the surgery is, when they will call me to get my results, when i can call tomorrow to pick her up, etc). I don't mean this in a mean or diminishing way, I just mean it as an observation: that in my experience men sorta forget to get the little details and instead opt to get the task done without pausing to fill in the rest of that "stuff" like information lol.
So I'm assuming that she's in her surgery now and that's what's causing me to tap my feet a lot and drink tea and sit here when I should be doing things like errands.
Worry.
Worry does this to us though in life. It's just this pervasive thing that shows up and takes over and while it's in your house you can't ignore it or pretend it's not there. So you sit down on the couch with it and keep it entertained hoping that you can eventually get the visit overwith and then Worry will be on it's way.
Unfortunately that's not how it works. With worry, the more attention we give it, the bigger and bigger it gets. And pretty soon it takes over and it's commanding what we're doing and where we're going and how we're acting and what we're feeling and that is just Not Cool.
Worry is one of the only things in life where spending a lot of time doing it is unproductive and makes things worse. Worrying about something doesn't make it better, doesn't give it a chance to turn out safe or well or good, it just eats away at the person doing the worrying, it just erodes their mood and their happiness and most importantly it eats away at their sanity.
When we worry we don't achieve anything at all - we just get stuck in a cycle of negativity, we get all wrapped up in ourselves and our thoughts and our FEAR of the unknown that it just grows and grows and grows and arrests our lives.
I know it's hard but the truth is that it's best for everyone to stop worrying. IF something bad is going to happen, worry alone will NEVER stop that from being so, it won't stop the event and it won't make it any better. In fact, it has potential to make us feel worse ("i was so worried this would happen, why didn't i do something about it??"). Worry doesn't have the power to create positive results, it doesn't.
The trick is to find acceptance. Find acceptance and then let go.
Sure, something bad can happen but if you have already committed to a decision, you cannot allow room in your space for Worry to come along too. You just can't. If you've made up your mind, you have to detach from the place of "what if" and go along for the ride ready and willing to see what comes of it. Detach. Come up with a plan for a worst case scenario so you know exactly what to do in case something terrible DOES happen and then let go and trust your plan. Obsessing about things never helps at all.
Our brains think in circuits, the more we think a certain way the more our brain gets accustomed to thinking in that pattern. We are training our brains to react and respond in certain manners. If you worry a lot, your brain learns to audible to worry as a response to new situations where you aren't sure how to react. Stop the pattern. When you catch yourself worrying pick something new and proactive and full of trust and empowerment. Say to yourself, "no matter what the outcome, everything will be fine." and BELIEVE that.
You must find a place within you whether you call it God or the Universe or your Self or your sense of Higher Self and you must believe that that place is capable of getting you through the tough parts of life. Believe in it, have faith in it, reflect back upon tragedies and realize that you SURVIVED those experiences, you made the best choices for yourself that you could at the time and you will always do so again in the future. and then release the worry. It's just an indulgence.
So that's my goal for today, to stop worrying about Zoey.
It doesn't mean i care any less, not at all. I love her, i care for her with my whole entire heart but I don't want this procedure to halt my life or take over my sanity. It is one experience and i made the choice to go through with it so I must trust that decision. If, Heaven forbid, something happens I will have to deal with that then; but that is true whether i worry myself sick about it now or not.
What are you worrying about in your life and how will you take steps to make the worry stop today?
I know that might sound trite and silly and weird but it's true.
See the fact is i come from a long line of Crazy People. And i mean that in an endearing way. We are the kind of people who get emotionally attached to things and people and animals very easily. When I was a child I once didn't throw out a marshmallow peep for WEEKS because I didn't want to hurt it's feelings.
I told you, crazy.
So today I had to put my cat in to the vet to get spayed. And of course I am sitting here worrying. She's been there since 8:00AM and since my husband was the one who dropped her off I don't have the useful information that I would have if i had been the one to take her in myself (things like when the surgery is, when they will call me to get my results, when i can call tomorrow to pick her up, etc). I don't mean this in a mean or diminishing way, I just mean it as an observation: that in my experience men sorta forget to get the little details and instead opt to get the task done without pausing to fill in the rest of that "stuff" like information lol.
So I'm assuming that she's in her surgery now and that's what's causing me to tap my feet a lot and drink tea and sit here when I should be doing things like errands.
Worry.
Worry does this to us though in life. It's just this pervasive thing that shows up and takes over and while it's in your house you can't ignore it or pretend it's not there. So you sit down on the couch with it and keep it entertained hoping that you can eventually get the visit overwith and then Worry will be on it's way.
Unfortunately that's not how it works. With worry, the more attention we give it, the bigger and bigger it gets. And pretty soon it takes over and it's commanding what we're doing and where we're going and how we're acting and what we're feeling and that is just Not Cool.
Worry is one of the only things in life where spending a lot of time doing it is unproductive and makes things worse. Worrying about something doesn't make it better, doesn't give it a chance to turn out safe or well or good, it just eats away at the person doing the worrying, it just erodes their mood and their happiness and most importantly it eats away at their sanity.
When we worry we don't achieve anything at all - we just get stuck in a cycle of negativity, we get all wrapped up in ourselves and our thoughts and our FEAR of the unknown that it just grows and grows and grows and arrests our lives.
I know it's hard but the truth is that it's best for everyone to stop worrying. IF something bad is going to happen, worry alone will NEVER stop that from being so, it won't stop the event and it won't make it any better. In fact, it has potential to make us feel worse ("i was so worried this would happen, why didn't i do something about it??"). Worry doesn't have the power to create positive results, it doesn't.
The trick is to find acceptance. Find acceptance and then let go.
Sure, something bad can happen but if you have already committed to a decision, you cannot allow room in your space for Worry to come along too. You just can't. If you've made up your mind, you have to detach from the place of "what if" and go along for the ride ready and willing to see what comes of it. Detach. Come up with a plan for a worst case scenario so you know exactly what to do in case something terrible DOES happen and then let go and trust your plan. Obsessing about things never helps at all.
Our brains think in circuits, the more we think a certain way the more our brain gets accustomed to thinking in that pattern. We are training our brains to react and respond in certain manners. If you worry a lot, your brain learns to audible to worry as a response to new situations where you aren't sure how to react. Stop the pattern. When you catch yourself worrying pick something new and proactive and full of trust and empowerment. Say to yourself, "no matter what the outcome, everything will be fine." and BELIEVE that.
You must find a place within you whether you call it God or the Universe or your Self or your sense of Higher Self and you must believe that that place is capable of getting you through the tough parts of life. Believe in it, have faith in it, reflect back upon tragedies and realize that you SURVIVED those experiences, you made the best choices for yourself that you could at the time and you will always do so again in the future. and then release the worry. It's just an indulgence.
So that's my goal for today, to stop worrying about Zoey.
It doesn't mean i care any less, not at all. I love her, i care for her with my whole entire heart but I don't want this procedure to halt my life or take over my sanity. It is one experience and i made the choice to go through with it so I must trust that decision. If, Heaven forbid, something happens I will have to deal with that then; but that is true whether i worry myself sick about it now or not.
What are you worrying about in your life and how will you take steps to make the worry stop today?
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
life coaching! a plug lol
Recently I've been coaching again and I love it. It's really nice to be able to do this again, I've missed my business.
To summarize: I am a certified life coach and I used to have my own business. I started coaching in 2005 and had a business until 2008 when it had to close for economic reasons. I focused on relationships, self-improvement and creativity coaching.
I decided to get back into coaching again just for my love of it. I really enjoy helping people who want to make changes in their lives. I think that people who WANT help deserve it and are entitled to it and I want to be there for those people. Sometimes just talking to someone (especially if that person is a trained and certified professional like myself) can help alleviate a lot of stress and put issues into perspective. Other times people really need to get down into it and figure out what's going on with them. I want to be there to help them get through their issues.
So I told some people via livejournal that I was going to be coaching again and I actually got some responses. I'm offering sessions at an incredibly discounted rate ($15 per session) which is seriously a fraction of what I used to charge but honestly, who cares? I want it to be an accessible service, I want it to be something people CAN do if they really WANT the help. Changing your life shouldn't be something that only the wealthy can do. That's not fair.
Anyway, I've had two sessions in the past week and it's great to feel like I'm back in the game again. I'm really happy to be there and this is the kind of thing I really thrive on.
So that said, if anyone else is interested in some coaching, let me know. It can be one session only or as many as you want or you can just figure it out as we go.
I can do email coaching or phone coaching, or a combination of the two. It doesn't matter.
Here's what we'd do:
you would email me and let me know what situation you are trying to work through/what you are hoping to improve on or change in your life (it can be anything, a certain scenario with your spouse that is bothering you, you might want to lose weight, you could be stuck with a creative project, unsure what career you want, not knowing how to handle a potential family conflict, etc). You'd write up the situation from your point of view and explain what you're going through and then we'd move forward from there. I'd either email you back with some suggestions and some exercises to do or we'd talk on the phone and i would give you some suggestions and exercises to do. We'd break, you'd go do those exercises and then get back to me and we discuss it and how to go forward from there.
That's how it works! Not bad, huh?
So anyway, if anyone wants to do some coaching with me feel free to let me know. I'd love to coach you, it's really fulfilling to me and hopefully would be for you as well ;)
you can comment here or email me at rhianawhite at gmail dot com
xoxox
To summarize: I am a certified life coach and I used to have my own business. I started coaching in 2005 and had a business until 2008 when it had to close for economic reasons. I focused on relationships, self-improvement and creativity coaching.
I decided to get back into coaching again just for my love of it. I really enjoy helping people who want to make changes in their lives. I think that people who WANT help deserve it and are entitled to it and I want to be there for those people. Sometimes just talking to someone (especially if that person is a trained and certified professional like myself) can help alleviate a lot of stress and put issues into perspective. Other times people really need to get down into it and figure out what's going on with them. I want to be there to help them get through their issues.
So I told some people via livejournal that I was going to be coaching again and I actually got some responses. I'm offering sessions at an incredibly discounted rate ($15 per session) which is seriously a fraction of what I used to charge but honestly, who cares? I want it to be an accessible service, I want it to be something people CAN do if they really WANT the help. Changing your life shouldn't be something that only the wealthy can do. That's not fair.
Anyway, I've had two sessions in the past week and it's great to feel like I'm back in the game again. I'm really happy to be there and this is the kind of thing I really thrive on.
So that said, if anyone else is interested in some coaching, let me know. It can be one session only or as many as you want or you can just figure it out as we go.
I can do email coaching or phone coaching, or a combination of the two. It doesn't matter.
Here's what we'd do:
you would email me and let me know what situation you are trying to work through/what you are hoping to improve on or change in your life (it can be anything, a certain scenario with your spouse that is bothering you, you might want to lose weight, you could be stuck with a creative project, unsure what career you want, not knowing how to handle a potential family conflict, etc). You'd write up the situation from your point of view and explain what you're going through and then we'd move forward from there. I'd either email you back with some suggestions and some exercises to do or we'd talk on the phone and i would give you some suggestions and exercises to do. We'd break, you'd go do those exercises and then get back to me and we discuss it and how to go forward from there.
That's how it works! Not bad, huh?
So anyway, if anyone wants to do some coaching with me feel free to let me know. I'd love to coach you, it's really fulfilling to me and hopefully would be for you as well ;)
you can comment here or email me at rhianawhite at gmail dot com
xoxox
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Life: wouldn't it suck if....
Wouldn't it suck if the guy standing at the Gates of Heaven was like Simon Cowell?
What if he was all like, "Absolutely not, you were the worst person i've ever seen. You have no business being here whatsoever. I'm just being honest."
and then I'd have to be all like, "Oh but please, please! Give me one more chance! Can I try something else? Wait, quick, I see a building on fire down there and I know that puppies live in it, let me go save some!"
But you know he would roll his eyes and shake his head and say, "No, those puppies would be better off if you don't touch them so they don't have to deal with YOU coming into contact with them. Trust me. They'd rather perish in that fire than have your hands on them."
So then I would wail and makeup would streak down my face and my false eyelashes would begin to come undone. I would fall to my knees and start shouting things like, "But I used organic toilet paper! They promised to save one tree for every roll I bought!" and, "Please, PLEASE! I didn't cheat on my math exam and I EASILY COULD HAVE!" and the security guys would have to start dragging me out while I kick and scream and say, "Just one more chance! I'll be better! I was just nervous!!!"
And for a moment after I was gone Simon would stand there in stunned silence before muttering to himself, "God I hate this job."
And then God will reply, "Well that's what you get for being such a prick your whole damn life."
And I would still be gone. No Golden Ticket for me.
Yup. That would suck if that happened.
What if he was all like, "Absolutely not, you were the worst person i've ever seen. You have no business being here whatsoever. I'm just being honest."
and then I'd have to be all like, "Oh but please, please! Give me one more chance! Can I try something else? Wait, quick, I see a building on fire down there and I know that puppies live in it, let me go save some!"
But you know he would roll his eyes and shake his head and say, "No, those puppies would be better off if you don't touch them so they don't have to deal with YOU coming into contact with them. Trust me. They'd rather perish in that fire than have your hands on them."
So then I would wail and makeup would streak down my face and my false eyelashes would begin to come undone. I would fall to my knees and start shouting things like, "But I used organic toilet paper! They promised to save one tree for every roll I bought!" and, "Please, PLEASE! I didn't cheat on my math exam and I EASILY COULD HAVE!" and the security guys would have to start dragging me out while I kick and scream and say, "Just one more chance! I'll be better! I was just nervous!!!"
And for a moment after I was gone Simon would stand there in stunned silence before muttering to himself, "God I hate this job."
And then God will reply, "Well that's what you get for being such a prick your whole damn life."
And I would still be gone. No Golden Ticket for me.
Yup. That would suck if that happened.
Life: a letter to the internet
Dear Internet,
Today i worked out again. I've been doing that a lot lately and it makes me feel more powerful and self confident (even though I'm doing the 30 Day Shred and every time Jillian tells me to get into plank pose I want to scream, "NOOOOO! NOT AGAIN!!!" but I do it anyway and then much later (after I've showered and caught my breath) i feel freaking amazing because I could do it. I can do real pushups now. I never could before. I like that).
Right now my husband is walking around the house in boxer-briefs and a sweartshirt hoodie. This is one of the things they don't tell you will happen when you get married. Your spouse will do the most RANDOM things ever and it will be the most fun to find out how weird they can be. Like, really? A sweatshirt and boxer-briefs!? How is that not the greatest thing ever? It definitely is.
I got to have a late lunch with my best friend today at Our Place. We always go to the same place to get Soup For Lunch. Though recently it's been Soup then an Entree and then we split Dessert. Fine by me, I'm working out now so it's okay, right? lol (i'm pretty sure that's the kind of thinking that got me into the situation of needing to work out in the first place).
Anyway, today she's sad because she entered a contest to win a free $90,000 wedding but she didn't win. Some other couple won and we decided that we hate them because they look like they're trashy and they met at a dive bar. They also have four kids and are in their mid-thirties. We don't think they deserved to win as much as she and her fiance did. They were accused of cheating anyway. Really we hate them because they won and she didn't and we're jealous of them. Okay and all that other stuff I said too about them not deserving to win.
Who knows though really WHO deserves or doesn't deserve to win things? The word "deserve" is completely meaningless anyway. Deserve is in the eye of the beholder if you think about it. There will always be someone who thinks they deserve something and someone else who thinks they don't. There's really no such thing. We've all had hardships and we've all had successes.
I went to dinner later with my in-laws and it was nice. I had a salad because I want to continue to lose weight since i've been doing so well on my work-out/fitness thing. I don't even like salad to be honest. I know that's like some "Gasp!" non-girl-thing or something. I'm supposed to like go to lunch in the cities with my friends and eat salads and wear high heels and be obsessed with my phone the whole time but really i don't do any of that (okay fine except for the phone part). I only liked this salad tonight because there was fruit in it.
I took some pictures today too. The light was beautiful in my room when the sun was setting. I tried to get some silhouettes but they didn't come out as well as I had hoped. That was sad. My husband really liked them though. He really likes me. I'm lucky because he's pretty great.
Tomorrow the Snow Days are officially over and he'll be going back to work which makes me sad. I'll miss him because I have off.
Sometimes I get depressed when I'm home alone on a day off. I guess it's because I sit and think and compare my life to where my fake life in my head says i SHOULD be by now. Should is a very stupid and dangerous word. There is only what IS. And nothing is wrong with that.
Maybe tomorrow i'll work on some of the writing ideas i have. That'd be awesome.
this morning i had oatmeal with berries. It's the little things that make me the happiest. How bout you?
Love,
Rhian
Today i worked out again. I've been doing that a lot lately and it makes me feel more powerful and self confident (even though I'm doing the 30 Day Shred and every time Jillian tells me to get into plank pose I want to scream, "NOOOOO! NOT AGAIN!!!" but I do it anyway and then much later (after I've showered and caught my breath) i feel freaking amazing because I could do it. I can do real pushups now. I never could before. I like that).
Right now my husband is walking around the house in boxer-briefs and a sweartshirt hoodie. This is one of the things they don't tell you will happen when you get married. Your spouse will do the most RANDOM things ever and it will be the most fun to find out how weird they can be. Like, really? A sweatshirt and boxer-briefs!? How is that not the greatest thing ever? It definitely is.
I got to have a late lunch with my best friend today at Our Place. We always go to the same place to get Soup For Lunch. Though recently it's been Soup then an Entree and then we split Dessert. Fine by me, I'm working out now so it's okay, right? lol (i'm pretty sure that's the kind of thinking that got me into the situation of needing to work out in the first place).
Anyway, today she's sad because she entered a contest to win a free $90,000 wedding but she didn't win. Some other couple won and we decided that we hate them because they look like they're trashy and they met at a dive bar. They also have four kids and are in their mid-thirties. We don't think they deserved to win as much as she and her fiance did. They were accused of cheating anyway. Really we hate them because they won and she didn't and we're jealous of them. Okay and all that other stuff I said too about them not deserving to win.
Who knows though really WHO deserves or doesn't deserve to win things? The word "deserve" is completely meaningless anyway. Deserve is in the eye of the beholder if you think about it. There will always be someone who thinks they deserve something and someone else who thinks they don't. There's really no such thing. We've all had hardships and we've all had successes.
I went to dinner later with my in-laws and it was nice. I had a salad because I want to continue to lose weight since i've been doing so well on my work-out/fitness thing. I don't even like salad to be honest. I know that's like some "Gasp!" non-girl-thing or something. I'm supposed to like go to lunch in the cities with my friends and eat salads and wear high heels and be obsessed with my phone the whole time but really i don't do any of that (okay fine except for the phone part). I only liked this salad tonight because there was fruit in it.
I took some pictures today too. The light was beautiful in my room when the sun was setting. I tried to get some silhouettes but they didn't come out as well as I had hoped. That was sad. My husband really liked them though. He really likes me. I'm lucky because he's pretty great.
Tomorrow the Snow Days are officially over and he'll be going back to work which makes me sad. I'll miss him because I have off.
Sometimes I get depressed when I'm home alone on a day off. I guess it's because I sit and think and compare my life to where my fake life in my head says i SHOULD be by now. Should is a very stupid and dangerous word. There is only what IS. And nothing is wrong with that.
Maybe tomorrow i'll work on some of the writing ideas i have. That'd be awesome.
this morning i had oatmeal with berries. It's the little things that make me the happiest. How bout you?
Love,
Rhian
Coaching: thoughts from the a dark desk with only a small light upon it...
So here's a potentially profound thought:
I'm writing this after trying to go to bed. I had a particularly....irritating encounter with my husband and was left staring wide-eyed into the darkness of our bedroom while he drifted in and out of sleep.
Thoughts swirled around in my head as I talked myself into being more frustrated. And I realized two things:
1. I could choose to talk myself into being less frustrated if i wanted to (but what would THAT teach him? (lol sooo not a productive or helpful perspective!))
and
2. Maybe it isn't my spouse's job to create happiness in my life.
Not that he makes me unhappy because he doesn't. But maybe the fact that 95% of the time he makes me blissfully happy is just a bonus to his personality and really isn't in any way attached to his "role" as my spouse.
Seriously, who said that our spouse is responsible for our life satisfaction? When things aren't going great, who said that it's okay to blink into the darkness and wonder why they aren't doing more or trying more or being better? Who said it's okay to compare them to yourself? I think things like: "I would never just fall asleep if I knew that I had frustrated him this much." Well So what? That doesn't really mean anything does it? He isn't me, he's him. And He WOULD fall asleep because that's who he is. And why isn't that okay?
I guess what i'm trying to say here in my own convoluted way is that my happiness comes from myself and also that happiness is a CHOICE.
I can choose to see frustrating encounters as these big awful situations that rain on my parade and bring me down and cause me to have a sleepless night OR i can choose to see my spouse as a human being, someone who is concerned for his own needs and wants (and not in a bad way, just in a natural way) and someone who is just being himself; a person. It's not his job on earth to make sure that he does every single thing perfectly with me. It's not his place to make me happy 100% of the time. Isn't that MY job? Shouldn't that be my own ambition? (actually, note: no it's not...no one should strive to be happy 100% of this time, our culture has a strange obsession with eternal happiness...but that's something to discuss another time)
Sure, there are places we can ALL improve in life, but isn't that what the whole point of life is? Isn't that the reason to it all? Shouldn't I be focusing instead on my own self-improvements instead of doling them out to my husband? The man who I am supposed to love and cherish?
Why is it that his frustrations and challenges are frustrating ME? Why do I not respond with the same immediate compassion that I think that he should bestow upon me as well? I don't know.
Quite frankly, certification or not, it's not my place to judge whether someone else is improving the way I think that they should be (unless I am hired by them as a professional, and in this situation, i definitely was not being asked my professional opinion). Truthfully, it's not my place to decide how he should act in any situation at all - unless he wants me to. My place is to be on the receiving end and to be open to however he DOES act, my job is to show up the best i can no matter what and to focus on myself and to ask myself if I am being the person i think that I should be - not if HE is being the person i think that HE should be.
Yes, of course when a line has been truly crossed I can feel free to point out the damage that is done and to enforce a boundary upon that situation but in small everyday situations is it really necessary for me to chime in and consider ways in which he could (or "should") handle situations differently (aka "better")? Definitely not. Definitely not at all. (Please note: abuse situations are different than this, do not justify abuse to yourself under any circumstance. but that's not at all what i'm discussing here)
Ideally I should pick to go through with each experience authentically and to show up and handle the information in whatever way is the best for me personally. Kindness and Compassion for all parties involved (including myself) should be my first priority in any situation I encounter and I should move on from there.
Judgment, angst, frustration; those feelings do not really have a place in these situations because they aren't productive, they aren't compassionate and they don't allow the space for my husband to be his own person. And isn't that who I love? Isn't that who I married? Isn't that precisely who I pictured myself being with?
Last I checked I didn't marry the mirror. Nor would I want to.
So i guess the point of this all goes back to that whole, "he who lives in glass houses should not cast stones" thing. I'm not the greatest either, no matter how much I think I am when I feel personally affronted at midnight in the dark and therefore I shouldn't really start demanding things of others that I'm not giving forth myself.
Food for thought. Or for sleep.
Goodnight.
I'm writing this after trying to go to bed. I had a particularly....irritating encounter with my husband and was left staring wide-eyed into the darkness of our bedroom while he drifted in and out of sleep.
Thoughts swirled around in my head as I talked myself into being more frustrated. And I realized two things:
1. I could choose to talk myself into being less frustrated if i wanted to (but what would THAT teach him? (lol sooo not a productive or helpful perspective!))
and
2. Maybe it isn't my spouse's job to create happiness in my life.
Not that he makes me unhappy because he doesn't. But maybe the fact that 95% of the time he makes me blissfully happy is just a bonus to his personality and really isn't in any way attached to his "role" as my spouse.
Seriously, who said that our spouse is responsible for our life satisfaction? When things aren't going great, who said that it's okay to blink into the darkness and wonder why they aren't doing more or trying more or being better? Who said it's okay to compare them to yourself? I think things like: "I would never just fall asleep if I knew that I had frustrated him this much." Well So what? That doesn't really mean anything does it? He isn't me, he's him. And He WOULD fall asleep because that's who he is. And why isn't that okay?
I guess what i'm trying to say here in my own convoluted way is that my happiness comes from myself and also that happiness is a CHOICE.
I can choose to see frustrating encounters as these big awful situations that rain on my parade and bring me down and cause me to have a sleepless night OR i can choose to see my spouse as a human being, someone who is concerned for his own needs and wants (and not in a bad way, just in a natural way) and someone who is just being himself; a person. It's not his job on earth to make sure that he does every single thing perfectly with me. It's not his place to make me happy 100% of the time. Isn't that MY job? Shouldn't that be my own ambition? (actually, note: no it's not...no one should strive to be happy 100% of this time, our culture has a strange obsession with eternal happiness...but that's something to discuss another time)
Sure, there are places we can ALL improve in life, but isn't that what the whole point of life is? Isn't that the reason to it all? Shouldn't I be focusing instead on my own self-improvements instead of doling them out to my husband? The man who I am supposed to love and cherish?
Why is it that his frustrations and challenges are frustrating ME? Why do I not respond with the same immediate compassion that I think that he should bestow upon me as well? I don't know.
Quite frankly, certification or not, it's not my place to judge whether someone else is improving the way I think that they should be (unless I am hired by them as a professional, and in this situation, i definitely was not being asked my professional opinion). Truthfully, it's not my place to decide how he should act in any situation at all - unless he wants me to. My place is to be on the receiving end and to be open to however he DOES act, my job is to show up the best i can no matter what and to focus on myself and to ask myself if I am being the person i think that I should be - not if HE is being the person i think that HE should be.
Yes, of course when a line has been truly crossed I can feel free to point out the damage that is done and to enforce a boundary upon that situation but in small everyday situations is it really necessary for me to chime in and consider ways in which he could (or "should") handle situations differently (aka "better")? Definitely not. Definitely not at all. (Please note: abuse situations are different than this, do not justify abuse to yourself under any circumstance. but that's not at all what i'm discussing here)
Ideally I should pick to go through with each experience authentically and to show up and handle the information in whatever way is the best for me personally. Kindness and Compassion for all parties involved (including myself) should be my first priority in any situation I encounter and I should move on from there.
Judgment, angst, frustration; those feelings do not really have a place in these situations because they aren't productive, they aren't compassionate and they don't allow the space for my husband to be his own person. And isn't that who I love? Isn't that who I married? Isn't that precisely who I pictured myself being with?
Last I checked I didn't marry the mirror. Nor would I want to.
So i guess the point of this all goes back to that whole, "he who lives in glass houses should not cast stones" thing. I'm not the greatest either, no matter how much I think I am when I feel personally affronted at midnight in the dark and therefore I shouldn't really start demanding things of others that I'm not giving forth myself.
Food for thought. Or for sleep.
Goodnight.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Life: Happy Valentine's Week
I am getting ready for Valentine's Day here on the snowy Mid-Atlantic coast. And by Getting Ready I mostly just mean that I am finding ways to justify baking cupcakes and cutting hearts out of paper in the livingroom today while I'm on a snow day.
My husband is working from home and we are breaking apart the day by watching Youtube Videos and laughing until tears roll down our cheeks while he is on bathroom breaks and eating his lunch. It's fun to have him around even if he IS busy most of the time. I just like that he's here in the room with me.
I am wondering something: how do other married couples celebrate Valentine's Day? This is our second Valentine's Day being married but apparently last year's celebration was so anti-climatic that I can't recall it now.
I think that V-Day is more a holiday for the unmarried/people not in super serious relationships. It gives them a chance to see where their relationship is, it's like a litmus test for "seriousness".
For me I'll just be excited to go out for dinner and maybe see a chick flick. I am really looking forward to eating chocolate without guilt and I will definitely be having cupcakes because they're my favorite. And then I'll probably make up for it all by working out three times in one weekend.
So if anyone is out there reading this, tell me how you plan to celebrate Valentine's Day? I know it's Internet Trendy to shun this holiday as being "stupid" and "pointless" and an unnecessary way to express love but I feel the opposite. I think that it's great to have any excuse to tell those we love that we love them. Appreciation is something that is in short order in this culture and it really does mean a lot to take time out of our days/lives and tell those that we love exactly that.
So get out there and tell someone that you love them. They don't have to be your valentine, just show some extra affection because it's a nice thing to do.
And just for the fun of it, here's Zoey looking out at all the snowfall.
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