Coaching: How to change your life

Recently I was discussing something with a client of mine and he asked me how to go about changing things in your life when there is so much to change. 

Basically, what he wanted to know was "where do you start?"
I realized that this would be a good subject for a blog post and so, with permission from my client, I am going to be discussing that very topic here:

How do you change something about your life? 

This specific client of mine wants to make things better in his relationship so I will use the subject of relationships here for my example but please know that this methodology applies to wanting to change anything in your life at all.  

He said (and i am paraphrasing), "I know there are a lot of ways that I could do things better, but I don't know how to begin. It all just seems so disorganized and muddled up."


Here's where you start with any major changes in life: 

1. You start at the end.  

Ask yourself, what is the ultimate goal that I want to attain through my changes?  In this case the answer would be: "I want to be a better boyfriend/husband/fiance".  

Notice how I made that goal specific to the person who is doing the changing? That's the second part:


2. Make it about you. 

As we all know, in life you can only control yourself and your own actions. So when you are hoping for things to be better in life, you can only focus on what You can do and who You are. Do you want to have a better relationship? Focus on being a better part of that relationship yourself before you turn around and point any fingers at anyone else. Do you want more romance? Ask yourself how romantic you are. Do you want better communication? How clearly do you communicate yourself? Work on those things and soon you will find that things start falling into place. 

and then of course there's the third part:


3. Keep trying and have patience.  

Change isn't easy. Any life coach or therapist or personal trainer or infomercial who tries to tell you that changing your life is easy is lying to you and you should turn around and walk away from them. It's not easy. It's hard and it's messy and sometimes it's the last thing you WANT to do. But it IS worth it. 

Changing your actions, your behaviors and your belief systems is a difficult undertaking for anyone. It takes work and effort and MOST IMPORTANTLY it takes diligence. You MUST stick with it. You must understand that results don't happen over night and you must know that any change takes time, effort, and repetition.  

And at the end of all of that effort and time you will find that something remarkable has happened: you have transformed. You are much happier, much more centered, you know yourself more and you have fulfilled a goal that you have struggled with for years. 

So for my client here, what I suggested he do is fill in the blank:

If I were a successful boyfriend (which is his goal), I would do the following: ___________________. 

You must know the definition of the outcome that you are seeking.  What does it mean to have a fulfilling career? What does it mean to be a good wife?  What does it MEAN to be happy? What does it mean to fall in love? What does it mean when you say you want to find your purpose?  You must fill in the blanks, you must know EXACTLY what that goal you want is. You must have a definition for this arbitrary phrase you think you want. 

You say you want a good relationship but so often people don't even know what that means to them. Does that mean that your significant other makes you coffee every morning? Does it mean that s/he buys you extravagant gifts? Does it mean you stay up late into the night discussing philosophy? Does it mean that they enjoy kung fu movies as much as you do?  What does it MEAN to you specifically to have a GOOD relationship. What does YOUR PART of that relationship look like?

With any goal you must ask yourself these questions and get very specific so yo know exactly what it is that you REALLY want from life. It's easy to just throw blanket phrases around but that is setting yourself up for disaster. Your idea of a healthy lifestyle might be very different than your personal trainer's idea or from your mother's idea or your friend's idea so you really must get clear and honest with yourself so that you know how to fulfill your own goals. 

The point is really, without doing this how will you know when you've got it if you have no idea what it even means?

If this man wants to have success in his relationship he first has to know what a successful relationship even looks like to him. Then he has to know what his part of that successful relationship is. Then he knows where to begin. 

If a successful boyfriend to him is someone who listens, who is romantic and who is financially stable than he has to take steps to cultivate those traits within himself. He must begin to ask questions of his partner and really hear the answers.  He must ask himself what romance looks like and begin to follow through on those romantic gestures he comes up with.  He must ask himself what financial stability means for him and he must then work hard to gain that level of success.  

He lays the rules, he defines the terms and he is in control of how he gets there.

He will never become a successful boyfriend however if he doesn't ever figure out exactly what that means. 

So you should try this too. If you have a goal in life, any goal at all, you must ask yourself: what will it look like when i get there? How will I know when I am living it? What steps can I take today to begin to embody that change? 

Sit down, define the outcome for yourself and then start LIVING that outcome. If you want to be more social and your definition for that term includes being more outgoing than you must start practicing that today.  Start somewhere small and manageable. You want to do something that it outside of your normal realm of comfort but that doesn't terrify you. Maybe for example set a goal to say hello to 3 strangers a week or to make small talk with people in lines or elevators. Whatever you decide to do, the point is that you must start living like you would if you already had those traits and before you know it, you'll will have them down and you will be more confident. 

Changing requires conscious actions and purposeful movements in a certain direction. As long as you define what it is you want to be, you keep it about yourself and you never give up, you will find that you can change anything you want about yourself and your life. Just keep faith and be willing to actually go forward and do it.

Coaching: how to get coached

I've had a few people contact me recently about my Life Coaching business asking me if I still do coaching or if I'm just blogging with coaching tips and ideas. 

The answer is Yes! I definitely still do coaching!

I realized I've never really addressed this here, so I'm gonna do that now:

I am a Certified Life Coach (notice the capital letters? fancy, right?). I didn't just decide to call myself one because it made a catchy blog title (although that would have been a heck of a lot cheaper! ;) lol). But instead I actually went through a really intensive 18 month program based out in Colorado in order to get my certification. I have been certified since 2007 and have been working with clients since 2005 (we are trained to coach by coaching so I had to have a client since day one of my coaching program! Talk about throwing us into the fire! Scary stuff but it was great lol). 

Anyway, it's been a challenge these past few years to maintain a business that is considered a "luxury". When the economy took a downturn so, unfortunately did my business. I didn't give up though and I continued to channel my passion for coaching and self-development into other projects. I wrote my first novel (which I am editing and hoping to shop around to agents by the end of the summer), I outlined several book ideas for non-fiction, coaching-style books and when clients were in short supply, I was able to focus my coaching-like energy into my friends (those who wanted me to, of course! I don't go around offering unsolicited advice).  My best friend actually has started calling me her Spiritual Adviser which is something that both flatters me and makes me really excited at the same time lol. 

ANYWAY, we are off on a tangent, which is apparently one of my strengths haha.

So coaching, where does the business stand now and what the hell is it?

Well, in brief: life coaching is like working with a personal trainer but instead of helping you get thin or buff we're helping you work through the places in your life that are keeping you from being who or what you want to be. We help you identify and change situations in your life that are keeping you stuck.  Ever notice that there seem to be cycles in your life? Bad relationships, not getting promoted, unable to stick to a new habit or routine?  These are all things you can definitely change! That's what a coach helps you do! We help you figure out where you're getting stuck and we help you figure out how to start doing different behaviors to get around those roadblocks! :) 

And so yes I am still coaching! Yay! *applause* It's just a different kind of coaching than I was doing right out of coaching school.

I recently came up with an economy-friendly way of coaching that has actually been really popular (and it's earth-friendly, too!). The idea came to me a few months ago and ever since I spread the word out there to my former clients, blog readers and friends I have been working with people every week on a really consistent basis!  That's great because it proves that this is a really effective method of coaching and that it's really working for people!

Here's what it is: Email Coaching!  Email coaching offered on a per-session basis. 

How is this different than "regular" coaching? Well, before when I had my business, I was trained to offer coaching in packages. 6 weeks for X dollars. 12 weeks for Y dollars, 15 weeks for Z dollars and so on. The belief is that in order to really and truly change, you must be committed to a program and willing to do the work over a consistent period of time. I understand this mentality and believe it to be true but i also know that right now it is not practical for people to spend large chunks of money like that, it's just not.  And i'd rather give people the option to still get SOME coaching than to get none at all. The all-or-nothing mentality seems to be the exact opposite of the spirit of the thing.

So Email Coaching seemed like a great alternative to me. Especially because it is on a per diem basis. 

I am charging a really, really, really, REALLY low rate for this guys, just so you know. I realized that my love for coaching is greater than my desire to make arbitrary amounts of income at this point in my life.  Coaching is a huge part of me and when I am unable to work with clients I am not as grounded and healthy as I can be (and neither are my potential clients who aren't getting to be coached).

Coaching is what I am meant to do in this life. It is who I am. I knew that I had to find a way to bring coaching to everyone and make it affordable. In this economic situation all-or-nothing often ends up just being nothing and that is a no-win scenario for everyone. 

Plus, I believe that things always work out in life and someday if i am meant to make a lot of money, I will. I can't force it to happen, I can't wish the lotto winnings into my bank account and honestly, I don't even want to do that. I am content, I am happy and I am fine. Right now instead of focusing on the money or the outcome, I have to do what i feel to be right in my heart and luckily for you guys, that means offering ridiculously cheap email coaching! lol :)

So here's how it works: you email me and let me know that you would like to do email coaching (this is just so I know to be on the lookout for your email). You will pay me for the session (either by paypal or check), I will reply and let you know how the whole process works and then we will begin!

You will email me and explain your situation; whatever the topic is that you would like coaching on.  Some examples are: you could be having a fight with your spouse, you could be feeling a lack of motivation for your health and fitness plan, you could be struggling with asking for a raise at your job. Whatever it is, you give me some background information and let me know what the issue is.  

Then I email you back. I give you advice, ask you questions, give you some insight and assign a little "assignment" to do that is fitting for your specific situation. Don't worry, there are no tests, you will not be graded lol the assignment is just something to get you up and moving towards health and resolution to the issue.  My emails are often quite lengthy and full of lots of different ideas. Don't worry if you are overwhelmed at first, it's okay to take it one step at a time.

After you do the assignment, you email me again and let me know how it went. You tell me what you're thinking and feeling, how you're reacting to things after the assignment, what your thoughts are and where you're going now. You'll answer the questions I posed to you in the last email as well. I will reply to you with some follow-up questions for you to consider, some insight based on everything you said in your second email and I will give you feedback. I will also share with you some more ideas for how to continue implementing these changes into your situation as you go forward and continue to make improvements.  

And that's it!  You are free to turn around and set up another session with me if you want to right away and that's fine, I've definitely had people do that before. Or you can just take the one session and be off on your merry way! Whatever you want or need to do is fine with me!

Oh, and I should mention the cost :) I do these email sessions for only $20. 

I don't know if this sounds inexpensive to you guys but I have to tell you that it TRULY is.  A phone session with a real certified life coach (just like me) usually averages about $70 for an hour.  And honestly, when you consider how much a life coach is helping you - that is a really reasonable price. I know, however, that most people cannot afford something like that, especially right now. And so that's why I came up with this idea of the email coaching. I also offer phone coaching for a ridiculously slashed price as well ($30 for two sessions within a one week time period) but I've found that a lot of people are gravitating towards the email coaching, not just because of the price but I think because in this era there is something comforting about being able to just write out your thoughts and receive a response also in writing. 

So there we have it!  Coaching by email!  It's a new era lol

If you have any questions or comments feel free to leave them here or be in touch with me. If you want to set up a session let me know that too! It's a great time and a great price. 

And thanks to everyone who has been asking me for information about this, it prompted me to realize that I haven't really mentioned it here even though I keep meaning to!

Oh! and last thing: it doesn't matter if i KNOW you in real life or online or whatever, I can still coach you if I know you. There are strict confidentiality rules (i even have a legal document drawn up that I will gladly sign and send your way if you'd like (i've done it before several times! it's totally not a big deal for me to do it)) and it doesn't make anything "Weird" or whatever. Like i said, this is my calling in this life, this is literally my reason for being here. I am definitely able to handle things professionally and be detached from you as the person i'm coaching and you as the person who I run into at Target doing errands on a Sunday. Don't worry, this is totally normal for me and not a big deal. I know the majority of my clients in real life in all honesty and I've found that many have told me that they feel better about the process because they knew me at least a little bit before getting involved in the coaching. It's like with anything else, it's best to get a feel for someone before opening up. That's normal and it's normal to feel more comfortable because you know me on some level.  Just please have no worries about that aspect of it at all. Like i said, I know the majority of my clients.

Anyway, just wanted to throw that out there. Wow this has gotten longer than I expected so I'll end it now!

I hope this helps clear things up though and I hope that you keep it in your back pocket as an idea. Life is challenging right now and no one is expected to be able to get through it all alone. If you need someone to talk to who can offer you some insight into a situation you're going through, feel free to just send me an email and I'll let you know if coaching would work for this or not.  Lots of times it really just helps to have someone with an alternative opinion look at the situation you're going through and offer some insight. It's even better when that person is a trained professional :)

Coaching: it's gettin' hot in here - thoughts about wishes

I'm glad to know that someone out there was listening a few weeks ago when, standing in the snow I wished loudly that summer would hurry up and get here already. 

It's nice to feel heard.

The weather, as you know if you live anywhere near me (East Coast area) has been absolutely crazy hot. It's been in the upper 80's lower 90's this whole week. Honestly, I'm kind of overjoyed by this weather. It's nice to have sunlight and warmth for a change, for the tree outside of my window to be covered with tiny little buds and berries. To need a fan to blow on my bare legs while I read in the afternoon.

But no one likes a whole post about the weather and so that's why I want to point something else out here too...this post isn't just about weather, this post really is about Granted Wishes.

See, like i said, a few weeks ago when it was bitter and freezing and we were on our third or fourth blizzard and I had to walk through the snow with my jeans on top of leggings tucked into boots with holes in them, tube socks pulled halfway up my legs and three shirts, a sweater and a coat on, I said to myself, "Can't it please just be summer soon? Can't we skip the cold, wet, rainy spring and just jump right into summer? I would love some 90 degree days!"

And look around you, my friends. That's exactly what happened.

Now obviously I'm not suggesting that I have some magical pull with the universe or the weatherverse or any verses-that-be (but maybe i do, you never know!) but what I am saying is this: Wishes are Granted all the time. 

That's the thing of it - people walk around speaking out loud about what they want in life, and they don't stop and realize how often they get it!

A few years ago i taught a class about this, about how the way we communicate and the words we say can (and do) shape our worlds.  People don't understand this, they don't know that the words that they expel into the atmosphere around them become a part of that atmosphere and shape it. Their words are literally creating their realities. This is true because on a very non-new-agey-level, whatever you say when you aren't alone can be heard by other people and we all know that the words we say are often the largest influences on the people around us.

So without going off onto too huge a tangent here (too late?) I want to express this thought: What you say and specifically for the sake of this post what you ask for and what you want in life often comes to you, you just don't stop to realize it or to see it or to appreciate it for what it is when it gets there.

Many people have forgotten how much they would've loved a day like this a few weeks ago. Instead they're complaining about the heat, driving with their AC on already, shutting the blinds and the windows and cranking up the air, complaining that it's too hot to move or to go anywhere.  I want to say to them, "Remember your former self? You from three weeks ago? That individual is kicking you right now for not appreciating this!"

How many women wish for more romance in their lives? And yet when their husbands fill their cars with gas or when they suggest they go out for ice cream after dinner these same women don't stop and realize that their wish is being granted. Sure, it might not always look like exactly what you had in your mind, but what kind of world would that be? Who do you want to be married to? Yourself?

The thing to do here is to pay more attention to the world around you. Look at the ways in which your wishes are being granted.  Are you upset because you never have time to yourself and then all of a sudden your kids' friends invite them over for a few hours? Bam. Wish granted. Don't fill that time with stupid errands or other obligations or by doing whatever you would be doing if the kids were still around - go out there and do whatever you wished you could be doing if you had more time! You are being given this gift, don't waste it.

The point of this is (if i haven't yet beaten this thing to death): we are all being given the things we ask for in life. You just have to learn to open your eyes and open your heart to seeing that.  Do you want more flowers? Stop and notice how often you'll see pictures of flowers, books with flowers on them, commercials about flowers. Play a game with yourself, ask the Universe to show you something totally weird like pink bunnies or keychains with your initials on them or whatever and i promise you that without fail you will be seeing pink bunnies every day (and you'll be sober too! (hopefully!)).

Sure, has it been suggested to me that this could be a case of "what you seek you shall find" and that really all the pink bunnies were there all along? Yes. Definitely. And I don't debate that for a second - that could totally be true. But I ask you this: SO WHAT? Isn't it better to begin to actively look for the things we DO want in life than it is to search for the things we don't? Why not see the happiness, the positivity? Why not find those wishes for ourselves if that's the case. It doesn't really fundamentally matter either way if the Universe is responding to you or if you are just seeing what's already there. Either way your wishes are being granted and even the most cynical person out there hast to admit that there's something a little bit magical in that.

Coaching: Patience is hard

Patience.

Patience is something that's hard to come by. At least for me it is.

It feels like our culture doesn't really get the concept of patience.  It's like in America the idea of waiting and non-instant-gratification is annoying, it's something we don't think we should have to do. I know it's cliche but i totally blame TV for this. Things seem to magically just happen on TV. People have wealth and satisfaction and test results all within seconds on the screen.

In real life though, things unfortunately don't work like that.

Real life requires a lot of waiting and working and doing and then waiting some more.

And to be honest, I hate that!

The rock pictured above is on my desk.  I keep it there to remind me obviously that I should Never Give Up and to inspire me to keep going when I want to do exactly that.  It also makes me think of that saying that goes something like, "if things aren't better yet than you haven't reached the end".  I guess what i mean is that I have recently come upon the belief that you can't fail at something if you don't stop trying and giving it your all. Just Never Give Up and you will be okay.

Weight loss and fitness is a good example of this: it's hard to lose weight and to get into shape, anyone can tell you that. It's hard to undergo an entire "Lifestyle Change" (a phrase which seems like just another corny title applied to something to make it sell but which is in fact an incredibly accurate description of what a weight loss and fitness routine is). It's hard but if you are diligent with Health and Fitness and if you eat right and work out then EVENTUALLY it will pay off.  It may take weeks or even months to show any sign of progress (trust me, I recently worked out 5 times a week for three weeks only to see the scale go UP before finally going down 1.2 pounds) but eventually it will show up, it will pay off.

Imagine if I had given up on my fitness routine before I had seen that weight loss? I never would have known that if I had stuck it out, I would have found results.

The same is true of everything we want in life, as long as we are TRYING at it and we don't give up we are at the very least bound to learn incredibly valuable life lessons. We must be adaptable, we must be willing to be open to the information we receive along those paths but at long as we do those things (adapt, try, grow, and wait) eventually fortune will smile upon us and all of the pain of patience will be worth while.

And if our lives were TV shows, all of that stuff I just described would fall to the editing-room floor.

But that's okay because I have the sneaking suspicion that the waiting and trying is what makes it taste extra sweet (or extra healthy if your goal is weight loss lol) at the end.

So I'm trying to take my own advice here, to never give up on myself and my ambitions, to put one foot in front of the other and to be patient and wait for my dreams to come true.

What are you waiting for?

Coaching: How to find a Good Husband

I was thinking last night about marriage and how people expect SO MUCH from their spouse in marriage. It's like in our culture we're taught that our spouse is supposed to fulfill us, to COMPLETE us even...like they are literally the missing part of ourselves.

I think this is a toxic message and it sets up marriages for more of a struggle than they should be. The person we're with isn't meant to be another part of OURSELVES, they are meant to fully be themselves, they are meant to only be who they are. And marriage isn't some experience meant to make us wildly happy all the time, it's meant to be two people, working towards the same goals in life. It is my own job to find my own happiness in the world, just like it is my partner's own job to find and create his own happiness in the world. Imagine what a burden it would be to place all of your potential for happiness into the hands of someone else? I would hate that if someone said, "okay now you have to make me happy for the rest of our lives. go." like what? fend for yourself please, i'm trying to sort out my own damn issues over here.

I know that might sound cynical or detached or mean even but really it's not, it's logical and important to realize. Marriage isn't about completing all of the missing holes in your heart...that's what life coaching and therapy is for. Marriage is about going through the journey of life with someone, having each other's backs, being a family, and walking together towards mutual goals.

There are so many relationships that are doomed because people are trying to make a Husband out of just a Regular Guy who doesn't share the same goals as them.

Think about it, a Husband has very different qualities than a Boyfriend or a Fling or a Date or anything else. A Husband is someone who is on the same level as you, who is more LIKE you than not (in terms of the big picture and mutual goals, not in terms of the small stuff at all). A Husband is someone who shares your values, who wants the same basic things you do (family, education, career goals, whatever it may be overall) and it is someone who supports you, who is able to help you through life, who you are able to figure things out with and work together with.

Sure Blane with the tattoos might have a six pack and long hair and he might be exactly the kind of guy you never thought would be interested in you and so once you've got him you just wanna do any and everything to keep him but you'd be fooling yourself if you think that Blane will ever become Husband material. Especially if you think that you can get him there yourself.

And yet how many people actually MARRY these people who really should have just been Flings or Dates or Rebellious Phases? So many. SO MANY.

And there are so many women out there who are glamorous professionals who are having the hardest time meeting The Right Guy to settle down with and so they remain single into their mid thirties and blow their shot at the family they're scared to admit that they want...and why? because they're unwilling to realize that there is no such thing as The Perfect Person. That it is totally OKAY to marry The Good Guy. The Friend, The Confident. There are so many great Potential Husbands out there that just get overlooked because of this misconception that our spouse is supposed to be this Sex God/Wild/Lady's Man and yet also want to wipe little Bobby's nose and invest in a sensible retirement plan.

No wonder everyone is having such a hard time.

My advice is to know who your flings are, go have flings with them, get it out of your system and then turn around and look at the guy in your office, or the friend you've had since childhood or that guy who always stutters around you and you know that he is just secretly in love with you but he has glasses and tucks his shirts into his jeans so you've written him off. Just look at these people and ask yourself, "Would he be a good HUSBAND" because that is a very different role to play than Boyfriend and honestly, only some guys are cut out for it and can do it well.

I bet that a lot of people would be surprised to find that yes, surrounding them are many, many great Potential Husbands that are just being overlooked. The challenge is to get over your own insecurities and issues, get past the need to have arm candy or to finally feel validated by a "Jock" wanting to date you and deal with all of your OWN issues before you try to find someone to spend your life with. Because it's only fair to be a good Wife to all of those good Husbands out there.

Coaching: why worrying wastes time

so i'm sitting here chewing my finger nails and looking at the clock and tapping my foot and generally having butterflies flutter around through my whole body. Why? Because I'm worried about my cat.

I know that might sound trite and silly and weird but it's true.

See the fact is i come from a long line of Crazy People. And i mean that in an endearing way. We are the kind of people who get emotionally attached to things and people and animals very easily. When I was a child I once didn't throw out a marshmallow peep for WEEKS because I didn't want to hurt it's feelings.

I told you, crazy.

So today I had to put my cat in to the vet to get spayed. And of course I am sitting here worrying. She's been there since 8:00AM and since my husband was the one who dropped her off I don't have the useful information that I would have if i had been the one to take her in myself (things like when the surgery is, when they will call me to get my results, when i can call tomorrow to pick her up, etc). I don't mean this in a mean or diminishing way, I just mean it as an observation: that in my experience men sorta forget to get the little details and instead opt to get the task done without pausing to fill in the rest of that "stuff" like information lol.

So I'm assuming that she's in her surgery now and that's what's causing me to tap my feet a lot and drink tea and sit here when I should be doing things like errands.

Worry.

Worry does this to us though in life. It's just this pervasive thing that shows up and takes over and while it's in your house you can't ignore it or pretend it's not there. So you sit down on the couch with it and keep it entertained hoping that you can eventually get the visit overwith and then Worry will be on it's way.

Unfortunately that's not how it works. With worry, the more attention we give it, the bigger and bigger it gets. And pretty soon it takes over and it's commanding what we're doing and where we're going and how we're acting and what we're feeling and that is just Not Cool.

Worry is one of the only things in life where spending a lot of time doing it is unproductive and makes things worse. Worrying about something doesn't make it better, doesn't give it a chance to turn out safe or well or good, it just eats away at the person doing the worrying, it just erodes their mood and their happiness and most importantly it eats away at their sanity.

When we worry we don't achieve anything at all - we just get stuck in a cycle of negativity, we get all wrapped up in ourselves and our thoughts and our FEAR of the unknown that it just grows and grows and grows and arrests our lives.

I know it's hard but the truth is that it's best for everyone to stop worrying. IF something bad is going to happen, worry alone will NEVER stop that from being so, it won't stop the event and it won't make it any better. In fact, it has potential to make us feel worse ("i was so worried this would happen, why didn't i do something about it??"). Worry doesn't have the power to create positive results, it doesn't.

The trick is to find acceptance. Find acceptance and then let go.

Sure, something bad can happen but if you have already committed to a decision, you cannot allow room in your space for Worry to come along too. You just can't. If you've made up your mind, you have to detach from the place of "what if" and go along for the ride ready and willing to see what comes of it. Detach. Come up with a plan for a worst case scenario so you know exactly what to do in case something terrible DOES happen and then let go and trust your plan. Obsessing about things never helps at all.

Our brains think in circuits, the more we think a certain way the more our brain gets accustomed to thinking in that pattern. We are training our brains to react and respond in certain manners. If you worry a lot, your brain learns to audible to worry as a response to new situations where you aren't sure how to react. Stop the pattern. When you catch yourself worrying pick something new and proactive and full of trust and empowerment. Say to yourself, "no matter what the outcome, everything will be fine." and BELIEVE that.

You must find a place within you whether you call it God or the Universe or your Self or your sense of Higher Self and you must believe that that place is capable of getting you through the tough parts of life. Believe in it, have faith in it, reflect back upon tragedies and realize that you SURVIVED those experiences, you made the best choices for yourself that you could at the time and you will always do so again in the future. and then release the worry. It's just an indulgence.

So that's my goal for today, to stop worrying about Zoey.

It doesn't mean i care any less, not at all. I love her, i care for her with my whole entire heart but I don't want this procedure to halt my life or take over my sanity. It is one experience and i made the choice to go through with it so I must trust that decision. If, Heaven forbid, something happens I will have to deal with that then; but that is true whether i worry myself sick about it now or not.

What are you worrying about in your life and how will you take steps to make the worry stop today?

life coaching! a plug lol

Recently I've been coaching again and I love it. It's really nice to be able to do this again, I've missed my business.

To summarize: I am a certified life coach and I used to have my own business. I started coaching in 2005 and had a business until 2008 when it had to close for economic reasons. I focused on relationships, self-improvement and creativity coaching.

I decided to get back into coaching again just for my love of it. I really enjoy helping people who want to make changes in their lives. I think that people who WANT help deserve it and are entitled to it and I want to be there for those people. Sometimes just talking to someone (especially if that person is a trained and certified professional like myself) can help alleviate a lot of stress and put issues into perspective. Other times people really need to get down into it and figure out what's going on with them. I want to be there to help them get through their issues.

So I told some people via livejournal that I was going to be coaching again and I actually got some responses. I'm offering sessions at an incredibly discounted rate ($15 per session) which is seriously a fraction of what I used to charge but honestly, who cares? I want it to be an accessible service, I want it to be something people CAN do if they really WANT the help. Changing your life shouldn't be something that only the wealthy can do. That's not fair.

Anyway, I've had two sessions in the past week and it's great to feel like I'm back in the game again. I'm really happy to be there and this is the kind of thing I really thrive on.

So that said, if anyone else is interested in some coaching, let me know. It can be one session only or as many as you want or you can just figure it out as we go.

I can do email coaching or phone coaching, or a combination of the two. It doesn't matter.

Here's what we'd do:

you would email me and let me know what situation you are trying to work through/what you are hoping to improve on or change in your life (it can be anything, a certain scenario with your spouse that is bothering you, you might want to lose weight, you could be stuck with a creative project, unsure what career you want, not knowing how to handle a potential family conflict, etc). You'd write up the situation from your point of view and explain what you're going through and then we'd move forward from there. I'd either email you back with some suggestions and some exercises to do or we'd talk on the phone and i would give you some suggestions and exercises to do. We'd break, you'd go do those exercises and then get back to me and we discuss it and how to go forward from there.

That's how it works! Not bad, huh?

So anyway, if anyone wants to do some coaching with me feel free to let me know. I'd love to coach you, it's really fulfilling to me and hopefully would be for you as well ;)

you can comment here or email me at rhianawhite at gmail dot com

xoxox

Coaching: thoughts from the a dark desk with only a small light upon it...

So here's a potentially profound thought:

I'm writing this after trying to go to bed. I had a particularly....irritating encounter with my husband and was left staring wide-eyed into the darkness of our bedroom while he drifted in and out of sleep.

Thoughts swirled around in my head as I talked myself into being more frustrated. And I realized two things:

1. I could choose to talk myself into being less frustrated if i wanted to (but what would THAT teach him? (lol sooo not a productive or helpful perspective!))

and

2. Maybe it isn't my spouse's job to create happiness in my life.

Not that he makes me unhappy because he doesn't. But maybe the fact that 95% of the time he makes me blissfully happy is just a bonus to his personality and really isn't in any way attached to his "role" as my spouse.

Seriously, who said that our spouse is responsible for our life satisfaction? When things aren't going great, who said that it's okay to blink into the darkness and wonder why they aren't doing more or trying more or being better? Who said it's okay to compare them to yourself? I think things like: "I would never just fall asleep if I knew that I had frustrated him this much." Well So what? That doesn't really mean anything does it? He isn't me, he's him. And He WOULD fall asleep because that's who he is. And why isn't that okay?

I guess what i'm trying to say here in my own convoluted way is that my happiness comes from myself and also that happiness is a CHOICE.

I can choose to see frustrating encounters as these big awful situations that rain on my parade and bring me down and cause me to have a sleepless night OR i can choose to see my spouse as a human being, someone who is concerned for his own needs and wants (and not in a bad way, just in a natural way) and someone who is just being himself; a person. It's not his job on earth to make sure that he does every single thing perfectly with me. It's not his place to make me happy 100% of the time. Isn't that MY job? Shouldn't that be my own ambition? (actually, note: no it's not...no one should strive to be happy 100% of this time, our culture has a strange obsession with eternal happiness...but that's something to discuss another time)

Sure, there are places we can ALL improve in life, but isn't that what the whole point of life is? Isn't that the reason to it all? Shouldn't I be focusing instead on my own self-improvements instead of doling them out to my husband? The man who I am supposed to love and cherish?

Why is it that his frustrations and challenges are frustrating ME? Why do I not respond with the same immediate compassion that I think that he should bestow upon me as well? I don't know.

Quite frankly, certification or not, it's not my place to judge whether someone else is improving the way I think that they should be (unless I am hired by them as a professional, and in this situation, i definitely was not being asked my professional opinion). Truthfully, it's not my place to decide how he should act in any situation at all - unless he wants me to. My place is to be on the receiving end and to be open to however he DOES act, my job is to show up the best i can no matter what and to focus on myself and to ask myself if I am being the person i think that I should be - not if HE is being the person i think that HE should be.

Yes, of course when a line has been truly crossed I can feel free to point out the damage that is done and to enforce a boundary upon that situation but in small everyday situations is it really necessary for me to chime in and consider ways in which he could (or "should") handle situations differently (aka "better")? Definitely not. Definitely not at all. (Please note: abuse situations are different than this, do not justify abuse to yourself under any circumstance. but that's not at all what i'm discussing here)

Ideally I should pick to go through with each experience authentically and to show up and handle the information in whatever way is the best for me personally. Kindness and Compassion for all parties involved (including myself) should be my first priority in any situation I encounter and I should move on from there.

Judgment, angst, frustration; those feelings do not really have a place in these situations because they aren't productive, they aren't compassionate and they don't allow the space for my husband to be his own person. And isn't that who I love? Isn't that who I married? Isn't that precisely who I pictured myself being with?

Last I checked I didn't marry the mirror. Nor would I want to.

So i guess the point of this all goes back to that whole, "he who lives in glass houses should not cast stones" thing. I'm not the greatest either, no matter how much I think I am when I feel personally affronted at midnight in the dark and therefore I shouldn't really start demanding things of others that I'm not giving forth myself.

Food for thought. Or for sleep.

Goodnight.